As you may have guessed from the title of this blog, my life has gone through a lot of changes since I last wrote.  Some good, some bad, but all have made for a very interesting couple of months.

The most obvious one would be the professional changes.  For 9 years I worked at the same school.  In fact, it was the only school I had ever worked at.  So starting at a new school has been exciting, exhilarating and exhausting.  But after a couple months here I feel like I've settled in nicely, and I would classify this in the category of good change.  I loved Carter; I had some great students that I really miss, and I worked with some really amazing people who inspired me, supported me and taught me everything I know.  But I think moving on to St. Elizabeth has helped me grow.  It's forced me to meet new people, and work in a very different environment.  St. E's is what Carter used to be - huge.  Working with a different group of teachers opens up the opportunity to learn new things from new mentors, and working with different texts not only keeps me from becoming complacent but it keeps my mind sharp and prevents me from falling into a boring, predictable rut.  I've also met some new people who have become friends, and I enjoy working with them.  I honestly thought the transition was going to be much more difficult than it has been and I was really happy to find that I found myself somewhat comfortable here rather quickly.

 In fact, the largest obstacle I have had to face has been my own health issues (which have thankfully, finally, cleared up).  I ended up missing two weeks of school with a horrible virus.  For two weeks my mouth and throat were covered in hundreds of little blister, along with the regular flu like symptoms of fever, headache and body pains.  For two weeks I was only able to drink from a straw.  I'll spare you the gory details, but it was the worst illness I've experienced in my remembered lifetime.  A week after returning to work (and not even fully back to perfect health) I contracted a nasty case of pink eye, that even with antibiotics took two weeks to clear up.  My left eye was so swollen I could barely open it.  I should have been at home resting, but had to trek in to work every day with one eye leaking pus everywhere because I had already missed two weeks of work and could not afford to miss anymore.  Anyway, as I said, I am finally better, and feeling, for the most part, all caught up.  On the sort of bright side, I lost about 15 pounds, 10 of which have not found their way back on my frame yet.

Finally, in the relationship department, I am yet again single.  But this time I'm not too unhappy about it.  Now that the relationship is over I can admit I always sort of knew it wasn't going to last, so I figured what's the point?  Hopefully we'll stay friends because I enjoy his company and we have a lot of interests in common, but the reality is he's just another one of the guys I always end up with - the ones who can't ever express how they feel and lack the ability to ever make you feel like they think you're amazing.  Trust me, I know I'm not perfect, but I want to be with someone who likes me not in spite of my imperfections, but because of them.  And I don't think the ability to express that on occasion is too much to ask.  I'm not asking for romantic poetry or embarrassing displays of affection, but just little gestures that make you know you're important to them.  And I've realized that if he can't do that without me asking for it, that's not the right person for me.

So yeah, things are different, yet still so much the same.  But I'm pretty happy right now, so I guess that's gotta count for something!

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I recently started dating someone *slightly* younger than me, and all of sudden everyone I knew was tossing around the "C" word.  No, not the horrible slang word for female genitalia, the other "C" word.  Cougar.  And that got me thinking, what is the exact definition of cougar?  Is it just an older woman who dates a younger man, or are there specific requirements for the usage of the word.  And after a bit of research (thank you UrbanDictionary.com!) I discovered that it is even more complicated than I thought. 

What I now know is there actually exists a progression of terms that leads up to the big "C", each with it's own strict requirements.  While I did find variations of definitions for each term, the following seem to be the most agreed up.

1. Puma: A Puma is generally defined as a woman not quite old enough to be a cougar (usually in her late twenties to early thirties) but still likes to date younger men.  This is what one would refer to as the Pre-Cougar stage .

2. Cougar Kitten/Cougar in Training(CIT): A woman in her early to mid-thirties who is just entering the cougar lifestyle.  She is less aggressive and slightly more innocent in her approach than the more seasoned, experienced Cougar.

3. Cheetah: A woman in her mid-thirties who is too old/experienced to be a CIT, but still too young/inexperienced to be a full-fledged cougar. 

4, Cougar: A woman in her mid-thirties to mid-forties who tends to date men considerably younger (8 years or more seemed to be the agreed upon number).  Cougars are becoming more popular as they tend to have their shit together and don't play silly mind games like their younger counterparts.

5. Mountain Lion: A woman 50+ who still thinks she's a cougar.  Generally not quite as popular.

As I mentioned, there are multiple variations on the definitions of these terms, and there are quite a few others as well, including one for men who like to date younger women (Manther). While all this information was highly amusing to me, it also made me realize that we seem to really put too much emphasis on age.  I mean obviously there are certain times where it should be an issue, such as when one of the people involved is a minor, but once you're past a certain point in life, isn't age really just a number?  And if you connect with someone should you really let something arbitrary like a number get in your way?  I think these days it's hard to find someone you can really feel comfortable being yourself around, and if you are able to find someone who doesn't mind that you're clumsy, that you sometimes speak without thinking, that your a little bit nerdy and most importantly, someone who will watch Glee with you, should something silly like a 10 year age difference get in the way?  I don't think so.

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This past year, starting from the middle of last July, has not been the best I've ever had.  My relationship ended, I lost the home I was sharing with him and I had to move back into my own place, which it turned out was full of mold.  I spent the rest of the summer on couches and in hotels, trying to pull myself back together. After what felt like endless dealings with contractors and condo corporation reps,  I finally got back home at the end of August, and returned to work the next week.

Truth be told, although I am over the relationship, I haven't ever really recovered my confidence.  I have never exactly been overflowing with it, but after being completely blindsided the way I was I have struggled with trying to come to terms with the fact that there's a chance I may never have a successful long term relationship.  I don't say this to be self-pitying, and it doesn't mean I have given up on the idea altogether, but the fact is most of the men I meet in my life are already in relationships, and the ones that aren't are either not interested in me or just not what I am looking for.  I know I could be in a relationship if I wanted to compromise what I want, but I think I would rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of not being alone.

Since coming to this understanding, I have spent a lot of time trying to find happiness in the things I do have, such as my friends, my family, my cat (yeah yeah, I know) and my job.  This past year has been the best one of my career to date, and  a lot of days when I found myself struggling to get out of bed I have found that it was the pleasure I get from my job, and specifically my students, that has helped me get through a lot of the self-doubt I've faced.  Since rejoining the dating world I've faced a great deal of rejection so far and I just found that work really seemed to help me get through it and give me a sense of purpose.

So last month when I was officially notified I was being declared excess at my school it was a really tough blow.  I felt like my one constant, the one thing I had to rely on when everything else was in a constant state of transition, was my job.  I can't really think of a better illustration of the "being kicked when your down" sentiment.

I have been trying very hard not to let it show at work how hard I am actually taking this.  I know there are a lot of people in even less stable positions than I am and I feel a little self-absorbed getting upset about it when I know that at the very least I will have a job somewhere.

The thing is, as far as I can tell, those people have other things in their lives, people in their lives, that they can rely on. I've spent so much time convincing myself not to be unhappy about the lack of a relationship in my life because of the relationships I had cultivated at work that losing this position feels kind of like getting dumped all over again.

It wasn't until today, however, when I received a rejection email for the transfer job I desperately wanted, that I realized I have reached my rejection threshold.  The number of times I have been rejected over the past year compared to the number of times I've been accepted is severely out of whack, and I have finally reached my breaking point.  So the meltdown I had tonight wasn't really about the job, or the Penguins losing, or the fact that I really want this guy to ask me out and he won't, or the loss of my position at Carter, or all of the guys who've gone on just enough dates to get to know me before rejecting me for various reasons, or the end of my relationship this summer.  It's the fact that for the past year I've been struggling so hard to get back up on my feet every time I have pushed down by rejection and I just don't know how to keep pushing forward anymore.

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It may have come up once or twice in my blogging past that I suck at dating.  Well guess what?  I still suck at dating. 

Now I could dedicate an entire entry to the many shortcomings of men in general, but truthfully, I think I've been there and done that. I briefly flirted with the idea of focusing on my shortcomings, but then I realized I don't actually have any. 

While I was tossing around these ideas, I had a conversation with a friend of mine.  We'll call her Sara.  Sara is nineteen, and is still learning about the ways of men.  Currently, she is going through the unfortunate experience of learning that some guys will do or say just about anything to sleep with a woman, and once they get what they want, they become a completely different person.

Listening to Sara tell me what she was feeling, I started to get angry.  Somehow this cowardly excuse for a human being had convinced one of the nicest, sweetest girls I know that she was worthless.  She felt stupid and used and worst of all, she still wanted him. Not the asshole he really is, but the person he pretended to be in order to win her over in the first place.

The thing is, the only stupid one in this situation is him.  Perhaps Sara was a bit naive, but we've all been guilty of that.  But she didn't mislead anyone, or lie, or pretend to be something she's not.  And what is really hurting her isn't the fact that she slept with him and he didn't call, it's that she misjudged him, and now she doesn't trust her ability to recognize when someone actually likes her as opposed to someone who is playing her to get some action.

When I realized this was what the real issue was for Sara, I had a minor epiphany about my own life.  All of my recent dating issues are stemming from the same root cause - I don't trust my own judgement. I understand why this seems like a bit of an obvious statement, but sometimes things that are so glaringly apparent to everyone else are difficult to see in the mirror of self-reflection.

So what does this do for me?  Well really, not a hell of a lot.  But it did help me to chill out a little in regards to my own current dating situation.  I've been on a few dates recently with a particular person, and so far I have thought that they were pretty good dates.  From my perspective they were - I had fun, never felt uncomfortable, we seem to have a lot of common interests and attitudes, and he actually seems to get my sense of humour.  For all intents and purposes this should be a positive thing.  Yet lately I've found myself making that same mistake I always do - over-analyzing everything.  What he does or doesn't do, what he says or doesn't say, and what it means (or might mean).  Now I realize, I am doing this because so far, I think he likes me.  But I don't trust myself enough to accept that, so instead I analyze everything to death, looking for proof.

What it boils down to is this - maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't.  But examining and re-examining everything he says isn't going to do anything to change that.  I find guys to be pretty simple creatures.  If he talks to you, and agrees to spend time with you, and seems to have fun with you when he does, it's most likely because he wants to. 

I've realized I need to start to just take things at face value.  There are always going to be people who deceive me, and people I misjudge.  But I don't think it's worth missing out on the good in life just to avoid the bad.

That said, I still think I suck at this whole dating thing.  I'm just not going to worry about it so much.

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Ever since the final episode of Glee in December, I have been anxiously awaiting its return. Multiple sing-a-longs with both albums, repeated viewings of past episodes and devouring morsels of information about the upcoming new episodes kept me appeased, if not entirely satisfied. And after almost four months of impatiently waiting, the long anticipated date of April 15th arrived.


I was stoked. I was so excited I walked around with a completely dopey grin on my face. I could wait to see how things were going to go with Emma and Will, what was going to happen between Rachel and Finn, if things were going to be any better for the Glee kids now that they had won regionals, who the new characters I heard were joining the cast were going to be and where Sue Sylvester would fit into the world without her beloved Cheerios.

Maybe my expectations were too high, or maybe because they had to re-establish some of the conflict that seemed to be resolved in the previous episode, but for some reason I found this episode a bit of a let down in a lot of ways. It felt like the Sectionals episode had moved characters forward, into a new place, and now this new episode came along and pushed everyone back a step or two. Overall I guess it was a decent episode, but three things in particular really bothered me:

1) Schuester the Scumbag: What was with the hook up between him and the Vocal Adrenalin director? Look I know he just got out of a bad relationship, but that doesn't give him the right to go whoring it up with the first skank who comes his way. And the whole thing about the song with Emma? Telling her it was the "perfect song" for them, and that he'd "always had a soft spot" for it? Yeah of course you did, it was you song with your ex-wife! Not cool buddy.

2) Rachel/Finn/Jesse: I like the idea of the love triangle, I really do. And I like the idea of an ambitious male who can understand that side of Rachel's personality. What I don't like is the obvious angle of Jesse being a "spy" for Vocal Adrenalin. Was anyone shocked that right after he gave Rachel that "I would never hurt you speech" he shared that knowing look with Female Schuester over Rachel's shoulder (while kissing her no less)? I think not. And Finn? Well really he just sucked all episode. I was disappointed that he fell for the Brittany/Santana thing, and the way he was so wishy-washy about Rachel. It just all felt so contrived.

3) Sue's return: I was really looking forward to seeing how Sue was going to get herself back into the school, and what was going to happen with the Cheerios. I thought the writers would find some clever way of re-introducing her in a different role to the school community and was really interested in seeing what they would do. Instead they used some obvious blackmail scenario to basically undo everything the past season had done with her character. All within the first five minutes of the episode.

Overall, I am still excited to see where this season will take us. But the first episode felt less like the "Road to Regionals" and more like the first steps of the "Road to Sectionals". Here's hoping they find their way back on track soon.

Favourite Song: Gives You Hell - All American Rejects, sung by Rachel. This was the only time in the episode where all the kids in Glee performed together AND seemed to be having fun. Plus I loved the emotion she injected into it.

Favourite Quote: "Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?" - Brittany to Santana. Her delivery of the line was just perfect. Stupid yet earnest.

Next week: Madonna!!! A whole episode of Madonna songs! Things are definitely looking up!

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I first started playing soccer when I was eight years old. My mom had put my sister and me in T-Ball and although I enjoyed sports, I found I spent a lot of time doing nothing. At that age the teams were co-ed, and coaches tended to put all the boys in the infield and would stick the girls out where nothing ever happened. My sister was content to sit and fill her glove with grass, but I would stand there, primed and ready to catch anything that came my way, which it never did. After a couple of years, my dad decided I should try soccer.


I don't know what happened at my first practice, or game, or what my initial impressions were of soccer. What I do know is that I have no memory of a time when I didn't love to play. I loved games, I loved practices, and I loved anything and everything to do with soccer. If I could have played all day, every day, I would have.

Over the past 24 years, I've played various levels of competitive soccer. I've played on teams I didn't like, had coaches that were morons and faced some pretty nasty opponents.  Yet even in the midst of all that, I always loved to play.

 Now that I'm older, the level of soccer I choose to play tends to be more recreational. Let's face it, I was never Mia Hamm, but at one point I think I was a decent player. But my purpose now is just to have fun, and honestly pick up soccer can be just as enjoyable as an organized league.

A couple of years ago I was introduced to a social sports league and began playing co-ed soccer for the first time in my life. I have really enjoyed it and I truly believe it has made me a better player. I have more confidence with the ball and have learned to take the extra time needed to make a good pass. My problem with this social league is that in order to keep the costs down, the games are self-reffed. And without a third part there who has no vested interest in the outcome of the game, things can sometimes get out of control.

The theory is that, as adults, we can all agree that we're there for exercise and a good time, and can all be good sports. This includes following the rules of the game, being honest about who last touched the ball when it goes out of bounds and calling your own hand balls and fouls. Much like Communism, in theory it sounds great, but in practice it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

Personally in my opinion, there is far too much incidental contact in soccer for it to remain unreffed. People take advantage of the lack of referee to heighten that incidental contact, which can end up being dangerous. But the part that really gets to me is the people who take advantage of the situation by insisting every call go their way, and arguing with you if you disagree with them. Ultimately they are like bullies - they figure chances are most people in a recreational league like this won't bother to fight them over something trivial like whose free kick it is, and they are usually right. In the grand scheme of things, it's not really such a big deal. But what gets to me about it is the underhandedness of it all. The way that even grown men and women, who are supposed to know better, will take advantage of the fact that there's no authority figure there to keep them honest. And as an honest person, you have two choices: either give the bullies what they want all the time, or end up fighting over every petty little thing. And suddenly, you're not having fun anymore.

I still love to play soccer, but now sometimes I find when the game is over, instead of feeling good, I'm angry anf frustrated.  I don't care if we won, or if we lost, but when things degenerate into shouting and name-calling, it ceases to be about the soccer. 

To me, it's just one more example of how the message of Golding's Lord of the Flies remains true in our society today. These games are just like being on the island, and when I try to stand up for rules and order I often feel like Piggy yelling at the other boys to respect the conch. And we all know what happened to Piggy. I'm not there to be the moral police - I just want to have fun playing the game I love. 

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In a world full of tech-savvy people, it's no wonder Internet dating sites have become so popular. And while there is still a slight stigma attached to Internet dating, in most circles it has become an accepted practice for the busy individual. I mean, how else are you supposed to meet people when you no longer frequent the bars, your friends are all married and your workplace is predominantly female?

What I have discovered from venturing into the virtual dating world is it's a lot less intimidating in a number of ways. It's kind of like browsing through a people catalogue, which allows you to quickly review and discard undesirable potential candi-'dates' (get it? ha ha!) without them ever knowing they've been considered and rejected.

Through my limited experience I have learned some important lessons about what types of profiles to avoid, and today I am going to share this valuable knowledge with you, my loyal fan base (aka Anne Marie and Jackie).

Top 5 Profiles to Avoid

1. No Photos Included. Okay, yeah, so I'm starting with a bit of a no-brainer. But there's really no reason to hide something unless you've got something to hide. Now I've heard all the great excuses that exist as to why one doesn't include a photo with their profile. But the truth is, top-secret agent with the CIA or not, I am going to need to have some idea of what you look like before I agree to a date. And no, I'm not going to trust your description. Or your mom's. And I don't care what your female friends think.

2. Only Has One Photo / Only Includes Photos in Profile and/or Sunglasses. Sure, he might look super-hot, and you'll be tempted. Now I know you're thinking, "But he's super hot!" And maybe, just maybe, he really is. But the reality is more likely one of two possibilities - either it's the best photo ever taken in his life, or it's not really him. And yes, people do that. I personally operate on a three photo minimum in order to ensure some consistency. Sunglasses and profile photos don't count either as they are very misleading. If you can't see them face on and look into their eyes, don't go there! Just trust me on this one.

3. Little to No Effort. Listen, I know these profile things are a pain in the ass to fill out. Nobody really enjoys talking about themselves ad nauseum. But the reality is, you're trying to sell yourself to an unknown customer base, and people are never impressed by a lackluster sales pitch. Think about it this way - if he puts that little effort into capturing your attention in the first place, what do you think he'll be like once he has it?

4. Poor Spelling and Grammar. Maybe it's the English teacher in me, but I just cringe when I read profiles without capitalization or proper punctuation, not to mention prolific use of run-on sentences, poor spelling and horrible text/IM short forms. If I wanted to date a 19 year old I'd go pick one up at the Brunswick House on any given Thursday-Saturday. Again, it's about first impressions, and to me this just says sloppy.



5. Lack of Common Interests. Okay again, this one should be a no-brainer, except sometimes, it's not. The thing is, like with most catalogues, sometimes we get so hung up on the pretty pictures we forget to pay attention to the description underneath. That's how you end up on a date with Leaf fan who takes you to a D&D role playing party. Seriously, though opposites do attract, make sure you consider what differences might be deal breakers. For me, a guy has to be somewhat sporty, as sports (both watching and playing) are a big part of my life. He may be hot, but if you're complete opposites in every way, your wasting you time. Unless of course, you've always secretly wanted to attend a D&D party.

Trust me when I tell you all of these tips are the product of some hard earned experience.  I had to make each one of these mistakes (sometimes more than once!) to figure out they were in fact mistakes.  I'd like to say that if even one person is able to benefit from the wisdom I gathered through these horrific dating experiences that it was well worth it, but I'd be lying.  But I hope someone does anyway.

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Have you ever had a panic attack?  They aren't fun.  I suppose they are different for everyone, but for me my body shakes uncontrollably, my heart feels like it's going to beat its way out of my chest, my hands sweat profusely and my lungs just can't seem to get enough air. Like I said, not fun.

I had a tough day at work this past week (Wednesday to be specific) and ever since then I've been having these panic attacks.  I don't want to rehash all the details of what happened, but I ended up in a situation where I was physically threatened and intimidated by one of my current students.

At the time, I was angry.  But as more time passed, and I had to face up to and deal with the situation, I realized that I was, for the first time in my entire teaching career (which has actually become a fair length of time) scared of a student.

I think this incident made me realize just how vulnerable one can be in a teaching situation.  It's occurred to me in the past but only as an abstract idea.  Now that I have a specific personal experience it has really struck me.  And I guess I am having a bit of a hard time coping.

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have actually avoided going to work since then.  Both Thursday  and Friday I got up for work, showered, and as I was getting ready for the day I would have one of those attacks.  Anyone who has ever experienced one will understand why I couldn't make it out my front door.  If you haven't, I hope you never have to understand.

It's Sunday now, and already I am dreading tomorrow morning.  I know I can't avoid the situation any further - it is unfair to the rest of my students.  I like to think I'm a strong person and will get through this, but I do think sometimes strength is shown through the admission of your fears.  And the truth is, I am afraid.  I am afraid to walk into the building, I am afraid to face that student in class, and most importantly I am afraid I will never feel comfortable at work again.  But the worst part?  I am completely ashamed of myself for being so afraid.

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So I suck.

It's interesting to me, really, how it is that I am able to function in society while being so socially inept.  I have recently realized I am a complete moron when it comes to social interaction.  And while I would like to say that it's only in matters relating to the opposite sex, that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Though it does seem my problems with them seem much worse.

The worst thing about the whole situation is that I actually know what my problem is.  Somehow I think I don't deserve to be treated as well as I do. And until I figure it out and start demanding it, I'm never going to get it.

A couple of years ago (about two months before I met my most recent ex) I went on a first date with this guy.  We went skating and then grabbed some food and had a lot of fun.  We got along quite well; there were never any conversational lulls and we laughed a lot.

When I got off the subway on my way home I had a voice mail message from him.  He told me how he'd had a great time with me and hoped we could hang out again soon.  I even talked to him later that night and he told me the same thing.

Sounds good, right?  I wouldn't be an idiot for assuming that it was a successful first date.

Except I did, and I was an idiot.

After a couple of weeks after the date we had talked a few times, and I had even suggested getting together but something always came up.  We were both busy so I didn't think much of it - it's tough sometimes to find the free time in my schedule that coincides with the free time in someone else's. 

Then one day, he sent me the email.  Even thinking about it now makes me blush with the embarrassment I felt when I read it.

He basically said he thought I would have figured it out by now, but clearly I hadn't caught on to the fact that he wasn't interested in me.  That he just didn't feel any connection when we met, and thought it was pretty obvious. 

I blamed myself of course. How stupid could I be? How did I not realize?  It was so obvious.

Except no, it wasn't.  If he wasn't interested, why did he call before I was even home from the date to tell me he had such a good time?  Why did he suggest meeting up again? Why did he keep returning my phone calls and emails? And when I did try to arrange a second date, why didn't he just say he wasn't interested?

After a couple of similar experiences I started to learn that you can't always take what guys say at face value.  And I was determined not to let myself be humiliated like that again.

So when I started dating again after my ex dumped me (another awesome story of stupidity and humiliation, but we'll save that for another time) I remembered the lessons of my past and was determined not to make the same mistakes.

So when a guy I had recently been casually dating (and despite what he seems to think, it was casual on my end as well since I've been seeing a couple people over the past couple months) went from making time to see me to not having time for the next two or three weeks, I became suspicious.  Was he really just too busy?  Or was this another one of those signals I was usually too ignorant to see?

I know what I should have done was say okay, fine, and leave it up to him.  If he called and I had time for him, great, and if he didn't call, his loss. 

But of course, I didn't.  Because it just felt like game playing and I hate that.  I just wanted him to be honest with me.  So I asked.  I asked if he was trying to nicely hint at me to get lost.  And then he not so nicely told me to get lost.

What he said was he wanted something casual and felt I wanted more and he hated feeling like he always had to explain himself to me.  At first I felt frustrated, because he didn't actually ever address my question.  Then I felt like it was my fault, like if I had just shut up and waited, he would have eventually found time for me.

But as I was writing this, I realized he did answer my question.  Because if he really did like me, and enjoyed spending time with me but was just really busy, then that's what he would have told me when I asked.  The fact that he said get lost, regardless of the reasons he gave, tells me I was right on.

The thing that I think really sucks about all this is that he managed to turn it back on me, and make me feel like I was somehow the one at fault.  Like there's something wrong with wanting to feel like a person you're dating (be it casually or not) is interested in spending time with you.  But why should I feel bad about wanting to feel liked?  And why is it a crime to ask for reassurance?  I wasn't asking for anymore of his time; I even said I understood we were both busy (it's not like I have an abundance of free time myself) and was totally cool with waiting a few weeks to see him again.  I just wanted to know that I wasn't waiting for nothing.  And I fail to see how that's overstepping the bounds of casual.

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Over the past few days I've been bed-ridden with a nasty flu virus, and after a while I found myself desperate for something to occupy my time besides Nyquil-induced slumber.  So I turned to an old friend, a reliable comfort, a simple pleasure - chick-lit.

Yes I admit it, I read chick-lit.  No, it's not all I read, but sometimes, such as the times when you're a little under the weather, you're looking for something to amuse and entertain without much effort on your part.  For me, chick-lit does just the trick.

There's only one problem with this little equation, and that's the fact that when I am sick, I become extremely emotionally vulnerable.  Which means that these silly little books often make me cry.  And by often I mean always.  And by cry, I mean gut-wrenching sobs.  By all accounts it's not pretty.

The fromage de jour yesterday was a cute little story about three friends, all with different attitudes about relationships, and all suffering from her own individual issues.  They make a pact over a year to drastically change their lives, and though they fail to meet the goals they originally set for themselves their attempts to change ultimately make them happier.  I couldn't remember the title if my life depended on it (Chasing Harry Winston - I just found it in my bed!) but it was written by the same woman who brought us the literary classic The Devil Wears Prada.

By all English teacher standards it was a terrible book.  But by chick-lit standards I really enjoyed it.  I laughed, I cried, and I barely noticed the bloody nose I gave myself from too much nose blowing. But as entertaining as it was, something about it really bothered me.  In the final chapters, the serial-monogamist girl who takes a job touring the world looking for serving ideas for the restaurant she works for and vows to sleep with a different man on every continent she visits ends up running into the guy who "rejected" her in Paris while in a bar in L.A. only to find out he:
a) Actually didn't reject her, but left her a note that was never delivered to her by the hotel staff
b) Was visiting L.A. but had just moved to New York (which is conveniently where she was also living)
c) Was just about to leave the bar to go do "night duty" at his brother's place watching his new nephew so his brother and wife could get some rest (her last boyfriend, a jerk of course, had left her because he didn't want kids and she did)...

...ok, I'm going to pause here while you take that all in, because it's quite a lot to absorb.

All good?

Ok, so anyway, I know we all love a good happy ending, but really, this was pushing it.  Also, part of the point was for this girl to realize she could be happy without a man, so she realizes it and then 5 minutes later this new, independent her finds the perfect man?  I know I'm not the most idealistic person, but come on, even a dreamer with her head in the clouds knows life doesn't work like this. It just doesn't!

On the chick-lit scale, I am rating this book 3 fried eggs, sunny-side up, out of a possible 5 eggs.  I'd give it a 4, but the ending just left me with a syrupy taste in my mouth, and I personally, have always been partial to savoury snacks.

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Trash.  Seems like it's everywhere these days.  And by everywhere, I really mean on the floors of the cafeteria, in the desks of the classrooms and in the halls of the school. 

I don't know when things changed, but somehow it has become socially acceptable to just dump your trash anywhere.  And when you actually call people out on it, they look at you like you've done something wrong.

Example - I was on cafeteria duty today (on a side note, I think everyone who has ever said teachers have it easy should have to do a week of cafe duty) and I was once again floored by the amount of garbage I saw.  Garbage left behind on the tables by kids.  Garbage dumped on the floor under the tables by kids.  And my personal favourite, garbage on the floor next to the trashcan.  Who does that?  Seriously?

But it's not just the garbage that bothers me.  It's the reaction I get when I ask people to pick their garbage up.  Somehow they manage to turn a simple, reasonable request into a fight.  Rather than taking responsibility and admitting they were wrong, these kids will fight tooth and nail not to have to pick up their own trash.

"It's not mine!" - no, you just happened to be eating your lunch right in front of a big pile of garbage; oh and conveniently managed to not create any garbage of your own.

"It was there when I got here!" - So what, you saw a table full of garbage and you thought, "Hey, perfect spot to each lunch!"?

"My friend left it behind!" - Next time don't let your friend leave without throwing his garbage away.  Otherwise get some better friends.

"It's the custodian's job to clean that up." - This one I don't even have a smartass answer for because it pisses me off so much.  The custodians are busy enough trying to maintain the school, they are not there to pick up after you.  It's the police's job to arrest you, so does that mean it's okay to break the law?

I just don't understand where this attitude comes from, or how they really don't see what they are doing as wrong.  I just know that if I ever have children, they will learn really quickly that it is no one's job but their own to clean up after themselves.

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Recently I went on a date with a guy and at the time I thought it went pretty well.  I found him incredibly easy to talk to and we seem to have a lot in common.  It also didn't hurt that he was quite attractive as well.  It seemed that he was interested in me as well so overall I would classify it as a successful date.

So here's the problem (and you knew there had to be one)...I don't know what I am supposed to do now.  Between all the failed relationships, screwed up dates, friendly advice and pop culture examples I've experienced I've pretty much realized that no matter what I do, it won't be the right thing.

The thing is, I'm 33 years old.  I'm tired of having to play games with people.  But as a woman if you're direct and to the point, guys think you're pushy, aggressive and clingy - generally not the most desirable qualities in a potential partner.

It's not that I think after one date you should jump into a committed relationship.  It's just that I wish I didn't have to feel like a tool admitting to the guy that I really enjoyed spending time with him and would really like to do so again soon.  Yet I did admit this, and now, not surprisingly, I feel like a tool.

See it's just that I can't seem to forget something I read once.  If a guy is really into you, he'll want to talk to you, he'll want to see you, and he'll make the effort to do so.  If not, well, he's just not that into you (guess where I read this!).  And as silly and trite the whole book was, there does seem to be some logic behind it.

Now I have to be fair; since this date I've heard from the guy in question multiple times including a nice phone conversation last night.  But I just can't shake the feeling that every time I initiate a conversation with him that I'm annoying him.  This is totally on me - he's never done or said anything of the sort.  I just can't shake the feeling that in expressing interest in him I'm doing something wrong.

It's been so long since I met someone who is exactly what I want in a partner, that I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up.

*Sigh*  Life would just be easier if Sidney Crosby would just realize he loves me.

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It's funny how the shortest month of the year can feel like the longest.  We're just approaching the midway point of the month and yet it feels like it's been February forever already.

So, I thought that in honour of this dull, dreary month, I would do some research and for you and find out some fun facts about February!

Unfortunately, there are none.

I guess I can just add February to that long list of things that just have to be endured, right along with blisters, traffic and stupid people.

Thank god it's an Olympic year.

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Yes it's that time of year, where love is in the air and the whole world is coloured red. The time of year when happy couples celebrate their love with hallmark cards and candy hearts and romances blossom as secret admirers reveal themselves through bunches of roses and stuffed animals wearing shirts that say things like "I love you 'beary' much!".

I know what your thinking - not another bitter rant from an angry single girl about how crass and commercial the holiday has become. Well fear not. I actually like Valentine's Day. Yes, even when I am single.

I know it's a little surprising, but I actually like quite a few things about the day. Since I'm such a fan of lists, I figured I give you my reason in said format. So here they are, in no particular order.

1) I'm a closet romantic - Yes it's true. Deep, deep down somewhere with in my cold, cynical heart is a small part of me that still hopes there's someone out there somewhere who plans to reveal that he is madly in love with me on this special day. Surprisingly this hasn't happened yet. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

2) The day after Valentine's Day - I've got two words for you friend: cheap candy. Not quite as exciting as the day after Hallowe'en, but still pretty close. I love Cinnamon hearts.

3) Childhood memories - I still remember Valentine's Day parties at school, where you made your own mailbox and kids handout those funny little store-bought cut out valentines to everyone in the class. It did kind of get less fun when you got a bit older and it became a popularity contest. I always gave them to everyone. Can't say I always got that many in return.
And that leads me to the final reason...

4) One of the best Simpsons episodes ever! - "You Choo-choo-choose me?" This episode is completely Ralph centric and always makes me laugh. "The doctor says I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there!"

So yes, there are plenty of reasons to love Valentine's Day, even if you're single.  Sure, I'm usually disappointed by the end of the day that this wasn't the year some mysteriously romantic figure declared his undying love for me, but it's nothing a few pounds of half-priced candy can't handle!

Besides, last year I did have a boyfriend, and his romantic surprise for me was a Wii Fit.  No, I'm not making that up.  Might as well have come with a card that said "Happy Valentine's Day Fatty! Lose 20lbs and I'll love you again!"

The way I see it is this Valentine's Day has nowhere to go but up from there.

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You may have noticed we've made some significant changes here at "The Language of Lisa". I decided that with the new semester I'd unveil a whole new look to the blog, not at all coincidentally called "Desk Mess".

Recently my father joined the world of facebook, and his new project has been unearthing old-school photos of my sister and I and unleashing them into cyberspace (Thanks dad...really...). Fortunately he's only got 12 friends and they're all relatives.

In amongst the pages of humiliating photos that he treasures was this little gem, that even I have to admit is pretty cute. In case there was ever any doubt, here's photographic evidence that I was meant to be a teacher. I don't know that my handwriting has improved much since these early years, but I had definitely mastered the art of maintaining eye-contact with my audience while writing notes.

I'd give myself a 3.5/5 for content, and 4/5 for presentation style.

It's unfortunate that I'm not nearly that cute anymore. On the plus side, now that I dress myself, I'm far more stylish.

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Here it is, one of my favourite times of year - the beginning of second semester.

Why do I love second semester, you might ask? Well, even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you. Here are my reasons, in no particular order:

1) Everything old is new again - Okay so it's a bit of a cliche, but I love that I can just throw away everything I screwed up from last semester and get a chance to try again. Experience tells me I will undoubtedly make the same mistakes again this semester, despite my good intentions, but right now I can still bask in the warming glow of the hope that this will be the semester I succeed!

2) New friends, new people - Okay I loved the kiddos I taught last semester, but truthfully, spending 5 days a week with them grows tiresome after awhile. I would liken it to living with a friend...you can really, really like them, but sometimes you get sick of seeing their face everyday. So instead of waiting until you're not friends anymore, you evict them and get a new roommate. Well I am getting approximately 90!

3) Stress-less - For the next week, I won't feel buried beneath an unbearable mountain of marking. Sometimes even two weeks. So I can do fun stuff without this nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me "You know you should really be working right now!". I always ignore that voice, but still, it's annoying.

4) Change for the sake of change: Sometimes, a change is good, just because it's a change. Like sheets, or underwear.

And as I sit here in my workroom, writing this blog, I have come to the realization that courses may change, students may change and timetables may change, but in the midst of it all I remain the same.

But for the next couple of weeks I can hope that this is the semester that I will change!

Can't wait to see what June brings :)

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Okay, I know I complain a lot about being single. And for good reason I might add. There's nothing worse than attending your younger sister's wedding and having your own relatives make fun of you for being the only cousin who hasn't been married (one's divorced, the rest...damn them and their happy families!!). And that was before my boyfriend broke up with me (and maybe even why???)

So after a particularly bitter bitch session to my friend Bernice, I was convinced to try out the dating website she and her sister had recently registered for. Bernice had been quite successful so far, and assured me I would be as well.

That was two weeks ago.

That's right...two weeks ago I was just a normal, single 30-something girl bitter about men.

Now I'm just bitter.

Alright, no I'm not. I don't think I could be truly bitter if I tried. But I'm a little discouraged. I've had a lot of my messages ignored, been told I'm not someone's "type" or had people reply at first and then just lose interest. Okay fine, no worries, it's like dating, everything takes time. And then I received a message back from this fairly interesting 31 year old I had checked out.

He told me I was "out of (his) age range".

WTF?!?!?

That's when I realized why my dating luck has been all bad. Men are stupid. I know, not much of an epiphany, but seriously. Guys my age who are single are constantly complaining they can't find any decent single women. Now I know why; they're shopping in the young adult section. Wake up guys!! What the hell would a 21 year old want with you? You hit your peak 12 years ago!

Out of his age range...I scoff at his age range.

*sigh* It's times like these where I think I should just give in, get another kitty or 5 and accept my fate as a crazy cat lady.

But then I think no way; I'm not letting the male gender off the hook quite yet.

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When American Idol first aired I actually stumbled into watching it by accident. I was home on a Tuesday night, many years ago, and surfing through the channels for something to watch when a curious sound caught my attention. There was a young woman standing before a table of three people, singing her heart out, though unfortunately quite poorly. At first I thought this was some sort of prank, or joke, but soon discovered instead that this was an open call talent show, searching for the next big American pop star. The girl did not handle the polite critique of the first two judges very well, but completely lost it when the snarky British judge made some less than kind comments about her lack of ability. And by lost it I don't mean broke down in to humiliated tears, as I feel certain I would have. I mean exploded into a furious frenzy of self-denial.

And with that, I was hooked.

I soon came to know and love all three of the Judges. There was Paula, the slightly kooky yet good-hearted one; Randy, the jovially, politely honest one; and Simon, the bitingly sarcastic British one, who seemed to have a witty comment to cover failures of all kinds. I watched followed the show fanatically, not missing an episode from the first time I discovered it straight to the finale where Kelly Clarkson was named the first American Idol, winning out over Sideshow Justin (what ever happened to that clown anyway?).

When the second season began I was just as excited, and followed just as enthusiastically. I was a little disappointed when Ruben beat out Clay in the closest final vote ever (let the conspiracy theories begin) but still enjoyed the season as a whole.

After that, things went downhill. The judges became caricatures of themselves, rather than sincere. Simon's put downs seemed forced, Randy's honesty lost its politeness and Paula, well, she just seemed crazy. And the open call auditions seemed to focus more on humiliating the social awkward, somewhat delusional people who believed they had talent than they did on showcasing the potential talent of the show. One of the things I had loved to this point was falling for, and ultimately rooting for, singers right from their first audition. It was what kept me coming back; I wanted to follow their progression through the show. But every year there seemed to be less and less focus on the people with real talent in the first weeks of the show.

Ultimately to me, I felt it became a slightly sadistic exercise in cruelty. I was no longer amused by angry divas who weren't quite as talented as they thought they were. Instead, I found myself pitying the awkwardly clueless kids who truly believed they were being given a chance to shine, when ultimately they were being set up to be the butt of one of Simon's cruel jokes. Maybe that's funny to some people, but for me, picking on the weak has never provided much in the way of entertainment.

And so ended my affair with American Idol. Or at least that's what I believed.

Years went by, shows came and went, and I never really found myself missing Idol. But strangely last night, again on a Tuesday, I found myself searching for something to watch and I landed on American Idol. I was pleasantly surprised by some of the changes I noticed. The most obvious is the departure of Paula - I guess the American public had grown tired of her constant mental breakdowns and inane ramblings because I did know she had not been asked back. In her place were two new females. One was Kara, who I know joined the show last year. The second was this week's guest judge, Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham. The gender balance at the judges' table offers a slightly more appealing dynamic, and there seemed to be more sincerity to the judges' reactions than in the past. Most importantly though, there seemed to be a shift back to a balance between the talented and the not-so talented auditioners. I once again found myself falling for a couple singers (my favourite was this sweet guy in a green shirt with a very nice voice and just such an obviously kind personality - I wish I could remember his name!) and now I want to see how they do in Hollywood. There are still a few too many jokes at the expense of others and some unnecessary cruelty, but I guess that's what happens when you pander to the lowest common denominator - this is a Fox show after all - but it didn't seem to be the sole purpose.

It's still no Glee, but I'm willing to give it a second chance.

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Yes it is true, I am addicted to Glee!

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months and don't know what Glee is, please allow me to enlighten you. Glee is a new show on Fox (yeah I know, Fox, but don't let that scare you off) that has absolutely blown me (and quite a few other people too) away. It's about a high school Spanish teacher (Will Schuester) living a fairly mundane life who decides to try and recapture some of the joy from his youth by starting up a Glee club. Belonging to Glee was the high point of his life, and I guess nobody ever bothered to tell him that Glee clubs are for geeks and losers, so he's a little surprised when he holds auditions and only geeks and losers sign up. With a little creative thinking he manages to convince Finn, the star quarterback with a secret talent for song, to join and not long after some of his popular friends follow along. His mane rival is Sue Sylvester, coach of the "Cheerios", who is hellbent on his destruction. The first 12 episodes of the series document the teams road to Sectionals, their first competition, and each episode is full of humour, drama, and song and dance numbers performed by the cast. Although some moments are lacking in realism, the emotions of the characters are sincere, and that's what hooks you.

There's really so much more to it, but I'm not here to write a half season summary for you - go out and buy the dvds.

The things is I'm in Glee withdrawl. And the next episode of Glee doesn't air until April! How am I going to survive until then?

So the most common question I get asked when I tell people about my addition is "Why?" Such a simple question, with no simple answer. I guess the best way I can describe it is that for one hour a week, I can sit and feel completely content. I've experienced addictions to shows before (Buffy, Angel, Firefly and Veronica Mars to name four) but the difference is that I don't just enjoy Glee, it actually makes me feel happy. Even when it's over and I am sad that it's done, I am left with a smile on my face (which sounds a little creepier than it is).

I have always found January and February to be the toughest months emotionally for me. There's something about the snow, slush and what feels like perpetual darkness that's more than a little depressing. It's little things like a weekly TV show that I rely on to get me through these dark times. And I have to say, Simon Cowell's mockery of the American Losers who try to out-weird each other on idol just doesn't bring me the joy it once did.

Sigh.

I miss Glee.

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Anyone who knows me would be shocked by the title of this post, since I tend to use email frequently, and am a pretty tech-happy person. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like about email - it's convenient, quick and provides a written record of what you've said. Sometimes you can even track if/when someone has read the message you sent. So I have plenty of good things to say about email. But the one thing I don't like about it is the way many people seem to use it as a means of avoiding the need to interact with the person on the other end.

Example - I was dumped through an email this weekend. Yes true it was not a serious relationship (far from it in fact) and we'd only had a couple dates, but I'm sorry after a couple months of dates and chatting I think I deserved more than an email from him. He had a perfectly valid reason - turns out the love of his life ex-girlfriend wants to give him another chance - but I think it was really cowardly of him to email me. He took the easy, non-confrontational way out, because he got to say everything he needed to say without having to deal with the difficulty of my reaction. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have had a meltdown :) but he didn't have to deal with knowing he hurt me. Because being rejected hurts, no matter how long or short a time you've known someone, or how much their reason has "nothing to do with you", or how many times they tell you you're "an amazing person who will find someone who deserves you". I know it can be hard to deal with hurting someone - nobody likes to know they made someone else feel bad. But making someone feel even worse so you don't have to deal with feeling badly at all, well that sucks.

Oh well, one down, a million more to go. There has to be somebody out there willing to put up with my crap :)

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Okay so I'm a thief; I have stolen the term "intentions" from a colleague who has in turn stolen it from somewhere else. But since I always fail at maintaining my resolutions and am then overcome by the accompanying shame and guilt, I decided this year to try out some New Year's intentions, and see how well they go. So here they are, in no particular order:

1. No more sports suspensions - I almost made it through a full year without one, but blew 11 months of problem-free sports events in December by engaging in a small altercation with another player in a hockey game. So this year I intend to make it 12 months without issue. We'll see how it goes.

2. Less procrastination - I can remember being 8 years old and trying to write my speech for my grade three class the night before I had to present it. I remember at that time thinking, "I will never leave anything to last minute again." 25 years later and I am as big a procrastinator as I was then. But this year that all changes. I will stay on top of deadlines, will finish marking essays in less than a month and won't spend more time on Facebook than work.

3. Stop over thinking - Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I think I have sabotaged many a potential relationship by worrying too much about what might or could happen, instead of just being happy in the now and letting what happens happen. I've actually already failed at this once this new year, but since I hadn't actually put this list in writing I won't count it as a failure yet.

4. Start eating healthy - this one will go a lot better if I include doing grocery shopping on my list as well. I know it's not going to happen, but I figure I'll add it to the list for the hell of it.

5. Be better organized financially - This is probably the most important one, and one I really need to work on. I have to start looking at my finances and keeping track of where my money is going.

I could go on and on and on, but we'll stick with 5 for this year, and see how they go. But at least this year I won't feel bad when I break them all :)

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