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Decisions, decisions...
Posted by Lisa
on
10:45 AM
in
dating
It may have come up once or twice in my blogging past that I suck at dating. Well guess what? I still suck at dating.
Now I could dedicate an entire entry to the many shortcomings of men in general, but truthfully, I think I've been there and done that. I briefly flirted with the idea of focusing on my shortcomings, but then I realized I don't actually have any.
While I was tossing around these ideas, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. We'll call her Sara. Sara is nineteen, and is still learning about the ways of men. Currently, she is going through the unfortunate experience of learning that some guys will do or say just about anything to sleep with a woman, and once they get what they want, they become a completely different person.
Listening to Sara tell me what she was feeling, I started to get angry. Somehow this cowardly excuse for a human being had convinced one of the nicest, sweetest girls I know that she was worthless. She felt stupid and used and worst of all, she still wanted him. Not the asshole he really is, but the person he pretended to be in order to win her over in the first place.
The thing is, the only stupid one in this situation is him. Perhaps Sara was a bit naive, but we've all been guilty of that. But she didn't mislead anyone, or lie, or pretend to be something she's not. And what is really hurting her isn't the fact that she slept with him and he didn't call, it's that she misjudged him, and now she doesn't trust her ability to recognize when someone actually likes her as opposed to someone who is playing her to get some action.
When I realized this was what the real issue was for Sara, I had a minor epiphany about my own life. All of my recent dating issues are stemming from the same root cause - I don't trust my own judgement. I understand why this seems like a bit of an obvious statement, but sometimes things that are so glaringly apparent to everyone else are difficult to see in the mirror of self-reflection.
So what does this do for me? Well really, not a hell of a lot. But it did help me to chill out a little in regards to my own current dating situation. I've been on a few dates recently with a particular person, and so far I have thought that they were pretty good dates. From my perspective they were - I had fun, never felt uncomfortable, we seem to have a lot of common interests and attitudes, and he actually seems to get my sense of humour. For all intents and purposes this should be a positive thing. Yet lately I've found myself making that same mistake I always do - over-analyzing everything. What he does or doesn't do, what he says or doesn't say, and what it means (or might mean). Now I realize, I am doing this because so far, I think he likes me. But I don't trust myself enough to accept that, so instead I analyze everything to death, looking for proof.
What it boils down to is this - maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't. But examining and re-examining everything he says isn't going to do anything to change that. I find guys to be pretty simple creatures. If he talks to you, and agrees to spend time with you, and seems to have fun with you when he does, it's most likely because he wants to.
I've realized I need to start to just take things at face value. There are always going to be people who deceive me, and people I misjudge. But I don't think it's worth missing out on the good in life just to avoid the bad.
That said, I still think I suck at this whole dating thing. I'm just not going to worry about it so much.
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Now I could dedicate an entire entry to the many shortcomings of men in general, but truthfully, I think I've been there and done that. I briefly flirted with the idea of focusing on my shortcomings, but then I realized I don't actually have any.
While I was tossing around these ideas, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. We'll call her Sara. Sara is nineteen, and is still learning about the ways of men. Currently, she is going through the unfortunate experience of learning that some guys will do or say just about anything to sleep with a woman, and once they get what they want, they become a completely different person.
Listening to Sara tell me what she was feeling, I started to get angry. Somehow this cowardly excuse for a human being had convinced one of the nicest, sweetest girls I know that she was worthless. She felt stupid and used and worst of all, she still wanted him. Not the asshole he really is, but the person he pretended to be in order to win her over in the first place.
The thing is, the only stupid one in this situation is him. Perhaps Sara was a bit naive, but we've all been guilty of that. But she didn't mislead anyone, or lie, or pretend to be something she's not. And what is really hurting her isn't the fact that she slept with him and he didn't call, it's that she misjudged him, and now she doesn't trust her ability to recognize when someone actually likes her as opposed to someone who is playing her to get some action.
When I realized this was what the real issue was for Sara, I had a minor epiphany about my own life. All of my recent dating issues are stemming from the same root cause - I don't trust my own judgement. I understand why this seems like a bit of an obvious statement, but sometimes things that are so glaringly apparent to everyone else are difficult to see in the mirror of self-reflection.
So what does this do for me? Well really, not a hell of a lot. But it did help me to chill out a little in regards to my own current dating situation. I've been on a few dates recently with a particular person, and so far I have thought that they were pretty good dates. From my perspective they were - I had fun, never felt uncomfortable, we seem to have a lot of common interests and attitudes, and he actually seems to get my sense of humour. For all intents and purposes this should be a positive thing. Yet lately I've found myself making that same mistake I always do - over-analyzing everything. What he does or doesn't do, what he says or doesn't say, and what it means (or might mean). Now I realize, I am doing this because so far, I think he likes me. But I don't trust myself enough to accept that, so instead I analyze everything to death, looking for proof.
What it boils down to is this - maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't. But examining and re-examining everything he says isn't going to do anything to change that. I find guys to be pretty simple creatures. If he talks to you, and agrees to spend time with you, and seems to have fun with you when he does, it's most likely because he wants to.
I've realized I need to start to just take things at face value. There are always going to be people who deceive me, and people I misjudge. But I don't think it's worth missing out on the good in life just to avoid the bad.
That said, I still think I suck at this whole dating thing. I'm just not going to worry about it so much.
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