3
Fear and Loathing in Aurora
Posted by Lisa
on
7:54 AM
in
fears
Have you ever had a panic attack? They aren't fun. I suppose they are different for everyone, but for me my body shakes uncontrollably, my heart feels like it's going to beat its way out of my chest, my hands sweat profusely and my lungs just can't seem to get enough air. Like I said, not fun.
I had a tough day at work this past week (Wednesday to be specific) and ever since then I've been having these panic attacks. I don't want to rehash all the details of what happened, but I ended up in a situation where I was physically threatened and intimidated by one of my current students.
At the time, I was angry. But as more time passed, and I had to face up to and deal with the situation, I realized that I was, for the first time in my entire teaching career (which has actually become a fair length of time) scared of a student.
I think this incident made me realize just how vulnerable one can be in a teaching situation. It's occurred to me in the past but only as an abstract idea. Now that I have a specific personal experience it has really struck me. And I guess I am having a bit of a hard time coping.
I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have actually avoided going to work since then. Both Thursday and Friday I got up for work, showered, and as I was getting ready for the day I would have one of those attacks. Anyone who has ever experienced one will understand why I couldn't make it out my front door. If you haven't, I hope you never have to understand.
It's Sunday now, and already I am dreading tomorrow morning. I know I can't avoid the situation any further - it is unfair to the rest of my students. I like to think I'm a strong person and will get through this, but I do think sometimes strength is shown through the admission of your fears. And the truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to walk into the building, I am afraid to face that student in class, and most importantly I am afraid I will never feel comfortable at work again. But the worst part? I am completely ashamed of myself for being so afraid.
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I had a tough day at work this past week (Wednesday to be specific) and ever since then I've been having these panic attacks. I don't want to rehash all the details of what happened, but I ended up in a situation where I was physically threatened and intimidated by one of my current students.
At the time, I was angry. But as more time passed, and I had to face up to and deal with the situation, I realized that I was, for the first time in my entire teaching career (which has actually become a fair length of time) scared of a student.
I think this incident made me realize just how vulnerable one can be in a teaching situation. It's occurred to me in the past but only as an abstract idea. Now that I have a specific personal experience it has really struck me. And I guess I am having a bit of a hard time coping.
I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have actually avoided going to work since then. Both Thursday and Friday I got up for work, showered, and as I was getting ready for the day I would have one of those attacks. Anyone who has ever experienced one will understand why I couldn't make it out my front door. If you haven't, I hope you never have to understand.
It's Sunday now, and already I am dreading tomorrow morning. I know I can't avoid the situation any further - it is unfair to the rest of my students. I like to think I'm a strong person and will get through this, but I do think sometimes strength is shown through the admission of your fears. And the truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to walk into the building, I am afraid to face that student in class, and most importantly I am afraid I will never feel comfortable at work again. But the worst part? I am completely ashamed of myself for being so afraid.
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