5
Everyone Has a Breaking Point
Posted by Lisa
on
9:09 PM
This past year, starting from the middle of last July, has not been the best I've ever had. My relationship ended, I lost the home I was sharing with him and I had to move back into my own place, which it turned out was full of mold. I spent the rest of the summer on couches and in hotels, trying to pull myself back together. After what felt like endless dealings with contractors and condo corporation reps, I finally got back home at the end of August, and returned to work the next week.
Truth be told, although I am over the relationship, I haven't ever really recovered my confidence. I have never exactly been overflowing with it, but after being completely blindsided the way I was I have struggled with trying to come to terms with the fact that there's a chance I may never have a successful long term relationship. I don't say this to be self-pitying, and it doesn't mean I have given up on the idea altogether, but the fact is most of the men I meet in my life are already in relationships, and the ones that aren't are either not interested in me or just not what I am looking for. I know I could be in a relationship if I wanted to compromise what I want, but I think I would rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of not being alone.
Since coming to this understanding, I have spent a lot of time trying to find happiness in the things I do have, such as my friends, my family, my cat (yeah yeah, I know) and my job. This past year has been the best one of my career to date, and a lot of days when I found myself struggling to get out of bed I have found that it was the pleasure I get from my job, and specifically my students, that has helped me get through a lot of the self-doubt I've faced. Since rejoining the dating world I've faced a great deal of rejection so far and I just found that work really seemed to help me get through it and give me a sense of purpose.
So last month when I was officially notified I was being declared excess at my school it was a really tough blow. I felt like my one constant, the one thing I had to rely on when everything else was in a constant state of transition, was my job. I can't really think of a better illustration of the "being kicked when your down" sentiment.
I have been trying very hard not to let it show at work how hard I am actually taking this. I know there are a lot of people in even less stable positions than I am and I feel a little self-absorbed getting upset about it when I know that at the very least I will have a job somewhere.
The thing is, as far as I can tell, those people have other things in their lives, people in their lives, that they can rely on. I've spent so much time convincing myself not to be unhappy about the lack of a relationship in my life because of the relationships I had cultivated at work that losing this position feels kind of like getting dumped all over again.
It wasn't until today, however, when I received a rejection email for the transfer job I desperately wanted, that I realized I have reached my rejection threshold. The number of times I have been rejected over the past year compared to the number of times I've been accepted is severely out of whack, and I have finally reached my breaking point. So the meltdown I had tonight wasn't really about the job, or the Penguins losing, or the fact that I really want this guy to ask me out and he won't, or the loss of my position at Carter, or all of the guys who've gone on just enough dates to get to know me before rejecting me for various reasons, or the end of my relationship this summer. It's the fact that for the past year I've been struggling so hard to get back up on my feet every time I have pushed down by rejection and I just don't know how to keep pushing forward anymore.
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Truth be told, although I am over the relationship, I haven't ever really recovered my confidence. I have never exactly been overflowing with it, but after being completely blindsided the way I was I have struggled with trying to come to terms with the fact that there's a chance I may never have a successful long term relationship. I don't say this to be self-pitying, and it doesn't mean I have given up on the idea altogether, but the fact is most of the men I meet in my life are already in relationships, and the ones that aren't are either not interested in me or just not what I am looking for. I know I could be in a relationship if I wanted to compromise what I want, but I think I would rather be alone than be with someone just for the sake of not being alone.
Since coming to this understanding, I have spent a lot of time trying to find happiness in the things I do have, such as my friends, my family, my cat (yeah yeah, I know) and my job. This past year has been the best one of my career to date, and a lot of days when I found myself struggling to get out of bed I have found that it was the pleasure I get from my job, and specifically my students, that has helped me get through a lot of the self-doubt I've faced. Since rejoining the dating world I've faced a great deal of rejection so far and I just found that work really seemed to help me get through it and give me a sense of purpose.
So last month when I was officially notified I was being declared excess at my school it was a really tough blow. I felt like my one constant, the one thing I had to rely on when everything else was in a constant state of transition, was my job. I can't really think of a better illustration of the "being kicked when your down" sentiment.
I have been trying very hard not to let it show at work how hard I am actually taking this. I know there are a lot of people in even less stable positions than I am and I feel a little self-absorbed getting upset about it when I know that at the very least I will have a job somewhere.
The thing is, as far as I can tell, those people have other things in their lives, people in their lives, that they can rely on. I've spent so much time convincing myself not to be unhappy about the lack of a relationship in my life because of the relationships I had cultivated at work that losing this position feels kind of like getting dumped all over again.
It wasn't until today, however, when I received a rejection email for the transfer job I desperately wanted, that I realized I have reached my rejection threshold. The number of times I have been rejected over the past year compared to the number of times I've been accepted is severely out of whack, and I have finally reached my breaking point. So the meltdown I had tonight wasn't really about the job, or the Penguins losing, or the fact that I really want this guy to ask me out and he won't, or the loss of my position at Carter, or all of the guys who've gone on just enough dates to get to know me before rejecting me for various reasons, or the end of my relationship this summer. It's the fact that for the past year I've been struggling so hard to get back up on my feet every time I have pushed down by rejection and I just don't know how to keep pushing forward anymore.
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