9
Sometimes, it's just not that obvious...
Posted by Lisa
on
9:54 PM
So I suck.
It's interesting to me, really, how it is that I am able to function in society while being so socially inept. I have recently realized I am a complete moron when it comes to social interaction. And while I would like to say that it's only in matters relating to the opposite sex, that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Though it does seem my problems with them seem much worse.
The worst thing about the whole situation is that I actually know what my problem is. Somehow I think I don't deserve to be treated as well as I do. And until I figure it out and start demanding it, I'm never going to get it.
A couple of years ago (about two months before I met my most recent ex) I went on a first date with this guy. We went skating and then grabbed some food and had a lot of fun. We got along quite well; there were never any conversational lulls and we laughed a lot.
When I got off the subway on my way home I had a voice mail message from him. He told me how he'd had a great time with me and hoped we could hang out again soon. I even talked to him later that night and he told me the same thing.
Sounds good, right? I wouldn't be an idiot for assuming that it was a successful first date.
Except I did, and I was an idiot.
After a couple of weeks after the date we had talked a few times, and I had even suggested getting together but something always came up. We were both busy so I didn't think much of it - it's tough sometimes to find the free time in my schedule that coincides with the free time in someone else's.
Then one day, he sent me the email. Even thinking about it now makes me blush with the embarrassment I felt when I read it.
He basically said he thought I would have figured it out by now, but clearly I hadn't caught on to the fact that he wasn't interested in me. That he just didn't feel any connection when we met, and thought it was pretty obvious.
I blamed myself of course. How stupid could I be? How did I not realize? It was so obvious.
Except no, it wasn't. If he wasn't interested, why did he call before I was even home from the date to tell me he had such a good time? Why did he suggest meeting up again? Why did he keep returning my phone calls and emails? And when I did try to arrange a second date, why didn't he just say he wasn't interested?
After a couple of similar experiences I started to learn that you can't always take what guys say at face value. And I was determined not to let myself be humiliated like that again.
So when I started dating again after my ex dumped me (another awesome story of stupidity and humiliation, but we'll save that for another time) I remembered the lessons of my past and was determined not to make the same mistakes.
So when a guy I had recently been casually dating (and despite what he seems to think, it was casual on my end as well since I've been seeing a couple people over the past couple months) went from making time to see me to not having time for the next two or three weeks, I became suspicious. Was he really just too busy? Or was this another one of those signals I was usually too ignorant to see?
I know what I should have done was say okay, fine, and leave it up to him. If he called and I had time for him, great, and if he didn't call, his loss.
But of course, I didn't. Because it just felt like game playing and I hate that. I just wanted him to be honest with me. So I asked. I asked if he was trying to nicely hint at me to get lost. And then he not so nicely told me to get lost.
What he said was he wanted something casual and felt I wanted more and he hated feeling like he always had to explain himself to me. At first I felt frustrated, because he didn't actually ever address my question. Then I felt like it was my fault, like if I had just shut up and waited, he would have eventually found time for me.
But as I was writing this, I realized he did answer my question. Because if he really did like me, and enjoyed spending time with me but was just really busy, then that's what he would have told me when I asked. The fact that he said get lost, regardless of the reasons he gave, tells me I was right on.
The thing that I think really sucks about all this is that he managed to turn it back on me, and make me feel like I was somehow the one at fault. Like there's something wrong with wanting to feel like a person you're dating (be it casually or not) is interested in spending time with you. But why should I feel bad about wanting to feel liked? And why is it a crime to ask for reassurance? I wasn't asking for anymore of his time; I even said I understood we were both busy (it's not like I have an abundance of free time myself) and was totally cool with waiting a few weeks to see him again. I just wanted to know that I wasn't waiting for nothing. And I fail to see how that's overstepping the bounds of casual.
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It's interesting to me, really, how it is that I am able to function in society while being so socially inept. I have recently realized I am a complete moron when it comes to social interaction. And while I would like to say that it's only in matters relating to the opposite sex, that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Though it does seem my problems with them seem much worse.
The worst thing about the whole situation is that I actually know what my problem is. Somehow I think I don't deserve to be treated as well as I do. And until I figure it out and start demanding it, I'm never going to get it.
A couple of years ago (about two months before I met my most recent ex) I went on a first date with this guy. We went skating and then grabbed some food and had a lot of fun. We got along quite well; there were never any conversational lulls and we laughed a lot.
When I got off the subway on my way home I had a voice mail message from him. He told me how he'd had a great time with me and hoped we could hang out again soon. I even talked to him later that night and he told me the same thing.
Sounds good, right? I wouldn't be an idiot for assuming that it was a successful first date.
Except I did, and I was an idiot.
After a couple of weeks after the date we had talked a few times, and I had even suggested getting together but something always came up. We were both busy so I didn't think much of it - it's tough sometimes to find the free time in my schedule that coincides with the free time in someone else's.
Then one day, he sent me the email. Even thinking about it now makes me blush with the embarrassment I felt when I read it.
He basically said he thought I would have figured it out by now, but clearly I hadn't caught on to the fact that he wasn't interested in me. That he just didn't feel any connection when we met, and thought it was pretty obvious.
I blamed myself of course. How stupid could I be? How did I not realize? It was so obvious.
Except no, it wasn't. If he wasn't interested, why did he call before I was even home from the date to tell me he had such a good time? Why did he suggest meeting up again? Why did he keep returning my phone calls and emails? And when I did try to arrange a second date, why didn't he just say he wasn't interested?
After a couple of similar experiences I started to learn that you can't always take what guys say at face value. And I was determined not to let myself be humiliated like that again.
So when I started dating again after my ex dumped me (another awesome story of stupidity and humiliation, but we'll save that for another time) I remembered the lessons of my past and was determined not to make the same mistakes.
So when a guy I had recently been casually dating (and despite what he seems to think, it was casual on my end as well since I've been seeing a couple people over the past couple months) went from making time to see me to not having time for the next two or three weeks, I became suspicious. Was he really just too busy? Or was this another one of those signals I was usually too ignorant to see?
I know what I should have done was say okay, fine, and leave it up to him. If he called and I had time for him, great, and if he didn't call, his loss.
But of course, I didn't. Because it just felt like game playing and I hate that. I just wanted him to be honest with me. So I asked. I asked if he was trying to nicely hint at me to get lost. And then he not so nicely told me to get lost.
What he said was he wanted something casual and felt I wanted more and he hated feeling like he always had to explain himself to me. At first I felt frustrated, because he didn't actually ever address my question. Then I felt like it was my fault, like if I had just shut up and waited, he would have eventually found time for me.
But as I was writing this, I realized he did answer my question. Because if he really did like me, and enjoyed spending time with me but was just really busy, then that's what he would have told me when I asked. The fact that he said get lost, regardless of the reasons he gave, tells me I was right on.
The thing that I think really sucks about all this is that he managed to turn it back on me, and make me feel like I was somehow the one at fault. Like there's something wrong with wanting to feel like a person you're dating (be it casually or not) is interested in spending time with you. But why should I feel bad about wanting to feel liked? And why is it a crime to ask for reassurance? I wasn't asking for anymore of his time; I even said I understood we were both busy (it's not like I have an abundance of free time myself) and was totally cool with waiting a few weeks to see him again. I just wanted to know that I wasn't waiting for nothing. And I fail to see how that's overstepping the bounds of casual.
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