Have you ever had a panic attack?  They aren't fun.  I suppose they are different for everyone, but for me my body shakes uncontrollably, my heart feels like it's going to beat its way out of my chest, my hands sweat profusely and my lungs just can't seem to get enough air. Like I said, not fun.

I had a tough day at work this past week (Wednesday to be specific) and ever since then I've been having these panic attacks.  I don't want to rehash all the details of what happened, but I ended up in a situation where I was physically threatened and intimidated by one of my current students.

At the time, I was angry.  But as more time passed, and I had to face up to and deal with the situation, I realized that I was, for the first time in my entire teaching career (which has actually become a fair length of time) scared of a student.

I think this incident made me realize just how vulnerable one can be in a teaching situation.  It's occurred to me in the past but only as an abstract idea.  Now that I have a specific personal experience it has really struck me.  And I guess I am having a bit of a hard time coping.

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I have actually avoided going to work since then.  Both Thursday  and Friday I got up for work, showered, and as I was getting ready for the day I would have one of those attacks.  Anyone who has ever experienced one will understand why I couldn't make it out my front door.  If you haven't, I hope you never have to understand.

It's Sunday now, and already I am dreading tomorrow morning.  I know I can't avoid the situation any further - it is unfair to the rest of my students.  I like to think I'm a strong person and will get through this, but I do think sometimes strength is shown through the admission of your fears.  And the truth is, I am afraid.  I am afraid to walk into the building, I am afraid to face that student in class, and most importantly I am afraid I will never feel comfortable at work again.  But the worst part?  I am completely ashamed of myself for being so afraid.

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So I suck.

It's interesting to me, really, how it is that I am able to function in society while being so socially inept.  I have recently realized I am a complete moron when it comes to social interaction.  And while I would like to say that it's only in matters relating to the opposite sex, that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Though it does seem my problems with them seem much worse.

The worst thing about the whole situation is that I actually know what my problem is.  Somehow I think I don't deserve to be treated as well as I do. And until I figure it out and start demanding it, I'm never going to get it.

A couple of years ago (about two months before I met my most recent ex) I went on a first date with this guy.  We went skating and then grabbed some food and had a lot of fun.  We got along quite well; there were never any conversational lulls and we laughed a lot.

When I got off the subway on my way home I had a voice mail message from him.  He told me how he'd had a great time with me and hoped we could hang out again soon.  I even talked to him later that night and he told me the same thing.

Sounds good, right?  I wouldn't be an idiot for assuming that it was a successful first date.

Except I did, and I was an idiot.

After a couple of weeks after the date we had talked a few times, and I had even suggested getting together but something always came up.  We were both busy so I didn't think much of it - it's tough sometimes to find the free time in my schedule that coincides with the free time in someone else's. 

Then one day, he sent me the email.  Even thinking about it now makes me blush with the embarrassment I felt when I read it.

He basically said he thought I would have figured it out by now, but clearly I hadn't caught on to the fact that he wasn't interested in me.  That he just didn't feel any connection when we met, and thought it was pretty obvious. 

I blamed myself of course. How stupid could I be? How did I not realize?  It was so obvious.

Except no, it wasn't.  If he wasn't interested, why did he call before I was even home from the date to tell me he had such a good time?  Why did he suggest meeting up again? Why did he keep returning my phone calls and emails? And when I did try to arrange a second date, why didn't he just say he wasn't interested?

After a couple of similar experiences I started to learn that you can't always take what guys say at face value.  And I was determined not to let myself be humiliated like that again.

So when I started dating again after my ex dumped me (another awesome story of stupidity and humiliation, but we'll save that for another time) I remembered the lessons of my past and was determined not to make the same mistakes.

So when a guy I had recently been casually dating (and despite what he seems to think, it was casual on my end as well since I've been seeing a couple people over the past couple months) went from making time to see me to not having time for the next two or three weeks, I became suspicious.  Was he really just too busy?  Or was this another one of those signals I was usually too ignorant to see?

I know what I should have done was say okay, fine, and leave it up to him.  If he called and I had time for him, great, and if he didn't call, his loss. 

But of course, I didn't.  Because it just felt like game playing and I hate that.  I just wanted him to be honest with me.  So I asked.  I asked if he was trying to nicely hint at me to get lost.  And then he not so nicely told me to get lost.

What he said was he wanted something casual and felt I wanted more and he hated feeling like he always had to explain himself to me.  At first I felt frustrated, because he didn't actually ever address my question.  Then I felt like it was my fault, like if I had just shut up and waited, he would have eventually found time for me.

But as I was writing this, I realized he did answer my question.  Because if he really did like me, and enjoyed spending time with me but was just really busy, then that's what he would have told me when I asked.  The fact that he said get lost, regardless of the reasons he gave, tells me I was right on.

The thing that I think really sucks about all this is that he managed to turn it back on me, and make me feel like I was somehow the one at fault.  Like there's something wrong with wanting to feel like a person you're dating (be it casually or not) is interested in spending time with you.  But why should I feel bad about wanting to feel liked?  And why is it a crime to ask for reassurance?  I wasn't asking for anymore of his time; I even said I understood we were both busy (it's not like I have an abundance of free time myself) and was totally cool with waiting a few weeks to see him again.  I just wanted to know that I wasn't waiting for nothing.  And I fail to see how that's overstepping the bounds of casual.

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Over the past few days I've been bed-ridden with a nasty flu virus, and after a while I found myself desperate for something to occupy my time besides Nyquil-induced slumber.  So I turned to an old friend, a reliable comfort, a simple pleasure - chick-lit.

Yes I admit it, I read chick-lit.  No, it's not all I read, but sometimes, such as the times when you're a little under the weather, you're looking for something to amuse and entertain without much effort on your part.  For me, chick-lit does just the trick.

There's only one problem with this little equation, and that's the fact that when I am sick, I become extremely emotionally vulnerable.  Which means that these silly little books often make me cry.  And by often I mean always.  And by cry, I mean gut-wrenching sobs.  By all accounts it's not pretty.

The fromage de jour yesterday was a cute little story about three friends, all with different attitudes about relationships, and all suffering from her own individual issues.  They make a pact over a year to drastically change their lives, and though they fail to meet the goals they originally set for themselves their attempts to change ultimately make them happier.  I couldn't remember the title if my life depended on it (Chasing Harry Winston - I just found it in my bed!) but it was written by the same woman who brought us the literary classic The Devil Wears Prada.

By all English teacher standards it was a terrible book.  But by chick-lit standards I really enjoyed it.  I laughed, I cried, and I barely noticed the bloody nose I gave myself from too much nose blowing. But as entertaining as it was, something about it really bothered me.  In the final chapters, the serial-monogamist girl who takes a job touring the world looking for serving ideas for the restaurant she works for and vows to sleep with a different man on every continent she visits ends up running into the guy who "rejected" her in Paris while in a bar in L.A. only to find out he:
a) Actually didn't reject her, but left her a note that was never delivered to her by the hotel staff
b) Was visiting L.A. but had just moved to New York (which is conveniently where she was also living)
c) Was just about to leave the bar to go do "night duty" at his brother's place watching his new nephew so his brother and wife could get some rest (her last boyfriend, a jerk of course, had left her because he didn't want kids and she did)...

...ok, I'm going to pause here while you take that all in, because it's quite a lot to absorb.

All good?

Ok, so anyway, I know we all love a good happy ending, but really, this was pushing it.  Also, part of the point was for this girl to realize she could be happy without a man, so she realizes it and then 5 minutes later this new, independent her finds the perfect man?  I know I'm not the most idealistic person, but come on, even a dreamer with her head in the clouds knows life doesn't work like this. It just doesn't!

On the chick-lit scale, I am rating this book 3 fried eggs, sunny-side up, out of a possible 5 eggs.  I'd give it a 4, but the ending just left me with a syrupy taste in my mouth, and I personally, have always been partial to savoury snacks.

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Trash.  Seems like it's everywhere these days.  And by everywhere, I really mean on the floors of the cafeteria, in the desks of the classrooms and in the halls of the school. 

I don't know when things changed, but somehow it has become socially acceptable to just dump your trash anywhere.  And when you actually call people out on it, they look at you like you've done something wrong.

Example - I was on cafeteria duty today (on a side note, I think everyone who has ever said teachers have it easy should have to do a week of cafe duty) and I was once again floored by the amount of garbage I saw.  Garbage left behind on the tables by kids.  Garbage dumped on the floor under the tables by kids.  And my personal favourite, garbage on the floor next to the trashcan.  Who does that?  Seriously?

But it's not just the garbage that bothers me.  It's the reaction I get when I ask people to pick their garbage up.  Somehow they manage to turn a simple, reasonable request into a fight.  Rather than taking responsibility and admitting they were wrong, these kids will fight tooth and nail not to have to pick up their own trash.

"It's not mine!" - no, you just happened to be eating your lunch right in front of a big pile of garbage; oh and conveniently managed to not create any garbage of your own.

"It was there when I got here!" - So what, you saw a table full of garbage and you thought, "Hey, perfect spot to each lunch!"?

"My friend left it behind!" - Next time don't let your friend leave without throwing his garbage away.  Otherwise get some better friends.

"It's the custodian's job to clean that up." - This one I don't even have a smartass answer for because it pisses me off so much.  The custodians are busy enough trying to maintain the school, they are not there to pick up after you.  It's the police's job to arrest you, so does that mean it's okay to break the law?

I just don't understand where this attitude comes from, or how they really don't see what they are doing as wrong.  I just know that if I ever have children, they will learn really quickly that it is no one's job but their own to clean up after themselves.

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Recently I went on a date with a guy and at the time I thought it went pretty well.  I found him incredibly easy to talk to and we seem to have a lot in common.  It also didn't hurt that he was quite attractive as well.  It seemed that he was interested in me as well so overall I would classify it as a successful date.

So here's the problem (and you knew there had to be one)...I don't know what I am supposed to do now.  Between all the failed relationships, screwed up dates, friendly advice and pop culture examples I've experienced I've pretty much realized that no matter what I do, it won't be the right thing.

The thing is, I'm 33 years old.  I'm tired of having to play games with people.  But as a woman if you're direct and to the point, guys think you're pushy, aggressive and clingy - generally not the most desirable qualities in a potential partner.

It's not that I think after one date you should jump into a committed relationship.  It's just that I wish I didn't have to feel like a tool admitting to the guy that I really enjoyed spending time with him and would really like to do so again soon.  Yet I did admit this, and now, not surprisingly, I feel like a tool.

See it's just that I can't seem to forget something I read once.  If a guy is really into you, he'll want to talk to you, he'll want to see you, and he'll make the effort to do so.  If not, well, he's just not that into you (guess where I read this!).  And as silly and trite the whole book was, there does seem to be some logic behind it.

Now I have to be fair; since this date I've heard from the guy in question multiple times including a nice phone conversation last night.  But I just can't shake the feeling that every time I initiate a conversation with him that I'm annoying him.  This is totally on me - he's never done or said anything of the sort.  I just can't shake the feeling that in expressing interest in him I'm doing something wrong.

It's been so long since I met someone who is exactly what I want in a partner, that I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up.

*Sigh*  Life would just be easier if Sidney Crosby would just realize he loves me.

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It's funny how the shortest month of the year can feel like the longest.  We're just approaching the midway point of the month and yet it feels like it's been February forever already.

So, I thought that in honour of this dull, dreary month, I would do some research and for you and find out some fun facts about February!

Unfortunately, there are none.

I guess I can just add February to that long list of things that just have to be endured, right along with blisters, traffic and stupid people.

Thank god it's an Olympic year.

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Yes it's that time of year, where love is in the air and the whole world is coloured red. The time of year when happy couples celebrate their love with hallmark cards and candy hearts and romances blossom as secret admirers reveal themselves through bunches of roses and stuffed animals wearing shirts that say things like "I love you 'beary' much!".

I know what your thinking - not another bitter rant from an angry single girl about how crass and commercial the holiday has become. Well fear not. I actually like Valentine's Day. Yes, even when I am single.

I know it's a little surprising, but I actually like quite a few things about the day. Since I'm such a fan of lists, I figured I give you my reason in said format. So here they are, in no particular order.

1) I'm a closet romantic - Yes it's true. Deep, deep down somewhere with in my cold, cynical heart is a small part of me that still hopes there's someone out there somewhere who plans to reveal that he is madly in love with me on this special day. Surprisingly this hasn't happened yet. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

2) The day after Valentine's Day - I've got two words for you friend: cheap candy. Not quite as exciting as the day after Hallowe'en, but still pretty close. I love Cinnamon hearts.

3) Childhood memories - I still remember Valentine's Day parties at school, where you made your own mailbox and kids handout those funny little store-bought cut out valentines to everyone in the class. It did kind of get less fun when you got a bit older and it became a popularity contest. I always gave them to everyone. Can't say I always got that many in return.
And that leads me to the final reason...

4) One of the best Simpsons episodes ever! - "You Choo-choo-choose me?" This episode is completely Ralph centric and always makes me laugh. "The doctor says I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there!"

So yes, there are plenty of reasons to love Valentine's Day, even if you're single.  Sure, I'm usually disappointed by the end of the day that this wasn't the year some mysteriously romantic figure declared his undying love for me, but it's nothing a few pounds of half-priced candy can't handle!

Besides, last year I did have a boyfriend, and his romantic surprise for me was a Wii Fit.  No, I'm not making that up.  Might as well have come with a card that said "Happy Valentine's Day Fatty! Lose 20lbs and I'll love you again!"

The way I see it is this Valentine's Day has nowhere to go but up from there.

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You may have noticed we've made some significant changes here at "The Language of Lisa". I decided that with the new semester I'd unveil a whole new look to the blog, not at all coincidentally called "Desk Mess".

Recently my father joined the world of facebook, and his new project has been unearthing old-school photos of my sister and I and unleashing them into cyberspace (Thanks dad...really...). Fortunately he's only got 12 friends and they're all relatives.

In amongst the pages of humiliating photos that he treasures was this little gem, that even I have to admit is pretty cute. In case there was ever any doubt, here's photographic evidence that I was meant to be a teacher. I don't know that my handwriting has improved much since these early years, but I had definitely mastered the art of maintaining eye-contact with my audience while writing notes.

I'd give myself a 3.5/5 for content, and 4/5 for presentation style.

It's unfortunate that I'm not nearly that cute anymore. On the plus side, now that I dress myself, I'm far more stylish.

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Here it is, one of my favourite times of year - the beginning of second semester.

Why do I love second semester, you might ask? Well, even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you. Here are my reasons, in no particular order:

1) Everything old is new again - Okay so it's a bit of a cliche, but I love that I can just throw away everything I screwed up from last semester and get a chance to try again. Experience tells me I will undoubtedly make the same mistakes again this semester, despite my good intentions, but right now I can still bask in the warming glow of the hope that this will be the semester I succeed!

2) New friends, new people - Okay I loved the kiddos I taught last semester, but truthfully, spending 5 days a week with them grows tiresome after awhile. I would liken it to living with a friend...you can really, really like them, but sometimes you get sick of seeing their face everyday. So instead of waiting until you're not friends anymore, you evict them and get a new roommate. Well I am getting approximately 90!

3) Stress-less - For the next week, I won't feel buried beneath an unbearable mountain of marking. Sometimes even two weeks. So I can do fun stuff without this nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me "You know you should really be working right now!". I always ignore that voice, but still, it's annoying.

4) Change for the sake of change: Sometimes, a change is good, just because it's a change. Like sheets, or underwear.

And as I sit here in my workroom, writing this blog, I have come to the realization that courses may change, students may change and timetables may change, but in the midst of it all I remain the same.

But for the next couple of weeks I can hope that this is the semester that I will change!

Can't wait to see what June brings :)

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Okay, I know I complain a lot about being single. And for good reason I might add. There's nothing worse than attending your younger sister's wedding and having your own relatives make fun of you for being the only cousin who hasn't been married (one's divorced, the rest...damn them and their happy families!!). And that was before my boyfriend broke up with me (and maybe even why???)

So after a particularly bitter bitch session to my friend Bernice, I was convinced to try out the dating website she and her sister had recently registered for. Bernice had been quite successful so far, and assured me I would be as well.

That was two weeks ago.

That's right...two weeks ago I was just a normal, single 30-something girl bitter about men.

Now I'm just bitter.

Alright, no I'm not. I don't think I could be truly bitter if I tried. But I'm a little discouraged. I've had a lot of my messages ignored, been told I'm not someone's "type" or had people reply at first and then just lose interest. Okay fine, no worries, it's like dating, everything takes time. And then I received a message back from this fairly interesting 31 year old I had checked out.

He told me I was "out of (his) age range".

WTF?!?!?

That's when I realized why my dating luck has been all bad. Men are stupid. I know, not much of an epiphany, but seriously. Guys my age who are single are constantly complaining they can't find any decent single women. Now I know why; they're shopping in the young adult section. Wake up guys!! What the hell would a 21 year old want with you? You hit your peak 12 years ago!

Out of his age range...I scoff at his age range.

*sigh* It's times like these where I think I should just give in, get another kitty or 5 and accept my fate as a crazy cat lady.

But then I think no way; I'm not letting the male gender off the hook quite yet.

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When American Idol first aired I actually stumbled into watching it by accident. I was home on a Tuesday night, many years ago, and surfing through the channels for something to watch when a curious sound caught my attention. There was a young woman standing before a table of three people, singing her heart out, though unfortunately quite poorly. At first I thought this was some sort of prank, or joke, but soon discovered instead that this was an open call talent show, searching for the next big American pop star. The girl did not handle the polite critique of the first two judges very well, but completely lost it when the snarky British judge made some less than kind comments about her lack of ability. And by lost it I don't mean broke down in to humiliated tears, as I feel certain I would have. I mean exploded into a furious frenzy of self-denial.

And with that, I was hooked.

I soon came to know and love all three of the Judges. There was Paula, the slightly kooky yet good-hearted one; Randy, the jovially, politely honest one; and Simon, the bitingly sarcastic British one, who seemed to have a witty comment to cover failures of all kinds. I watched followed the show fanatically, not missing an episode from the first time I discovered it straight to the finale where Kelly Clarkson was named the first American Idol, winning out over Sideshow Justin (what ever happened to that clown anyway?).

When the second season began I was just as excited, and followed just as enthusiastically. I was a little disappointed when Ruben beat out Clay in the closest final vote ever (let the conspiracy theories begin) but still enjoyed the season as a whole.

After that, things went downhill. The judges became caricatures of themselves, rather than sincere. Simon's put downs seemed forced, Randy's honesty lost its politeness and Paula, well, she just seemed crazy. And the open call auditions seemed to focus more on humiliating the social awkward, somewhat delusional people who believed they had talent than they did on showcasing the potential talent of the show. One of the things I had loved to this point was falling for, and ultimately rooting for, singers right from their first audition. It was what kept me coming back; I wanted to follow their progression through the show. But every year there seemed to be less and less focus on the people with real talent in the first weeks of the show.

Ultimately to me, I felt it became a slightly sadistic exercise in cruelty. I was no longer amused by angry divas who weren't quite as talented as they thought they were. Instead, I found myself pitying the awkwardly clueless kids who truly believed they were being given a chance to shine, when ultimately they were being set up to be the butt of one of Simon's cruel jokes. Maybe that's funny to some people, but for me, picking on the weak has never provided much in the way of entertainment.

And so ended my affair with American Idol. Or at least that's what I believed.

Years went by, shows came and went, and I never really found myself missing Idol. But strangely last night, again on a Tuesday, I found myself searching for something to watch and I landed on American Idol. I was pleasantly surprised by some of the changes I noticed. The most obvious is the departure of Paula - I guess the American public had grown tired of her constant mental breakdowns and inane ramblings because I did know she had not been asked back. In her place were two new females. One was Kara, who I know joined the show last year. The second was this week's guest judge, Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham. The gender balance at the judges' table offers a slightly more appealing dynamic, and there seemed to be more sincerity to the judges' reactions than in the past. Most importantly though, there seemed to be a shift back to a balance between the talented and the not-so talented auditioners. I once again found myself falling for a couple singers (my favourite was this sweet guy in a green shirt with a very nice voice and just such an obviously kind personality - I wish I could remember his name!) and now I want to see how they do in Hollywood. There are still a few too many jokes at the expense of others and some unnecessary cruelty, but I guess that's what happens when you pander to the lowest common denominator - this is a Fox show after all - but it didn't seem to be the sole purpose.

It's still no Glee, but I'm willing to give it a second chance.

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Yes it is true, I am addicted to Glee!

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months and don't know what Glee is, please allow me to enlighten you. Glee is a new show on Fox (yeah I know, Fox, but don't let that scare you off) that has absolutely blown me (and quite a few other people too) away. It's about a high school Spanish teacher (Will Schuester) living a fairly mundane life who decides to try and recapture some of the joy from his youth by starting up a Glee club. Belonging to Glee was the high point of his life, and I guess nobody ever bothered to tell him that Glee clubs are for geeks and losers, so he's a little surprised when he holds auditions and only geeks and losers sign up. With a little creative thinking he manages to convince Finn, the star quarterback with a secret talent for song, to join and not long after some of his popular friends follow along. His mane rival is Sue Sylvester, coach of the "Cheerios", who is hellbent on his destruction. The first 12 episodes of the series document the teams road to Sectionals, their first competition, and each episode is full of humour, drama, and song and dance numbers performed by the cast. Although some moments are lacking in realism, the emotions of the characters are sincere, and that's what hooks you.

There's really so much more to it, but I'm not here to write a half season summary for you - go out and buy the dvds.

The things is I'm in Glee withdrawl. And the next episode of Glee doesn't air until April! How am I going to survive until then?

So the most common question I get asked when I tell people about my addition is "Why?" Such a simple question, with no simple answer. I guess the best way I can describe it is that for one hour a week, I can sit and feel completely content. I've experienced addictions to shows before (Buffy, Angel, Firefly and Veronica Mars to name four) but the difference is that I don't just enjoy Glee, it actually makes me feel happy. Even when it's over and I am sad that it's done, I am left with a smile on my face (which sounds a little creepier than it is).

I have always found January and February to be the toughest months emotionally for me. There's something about the snow, slush and what feels like perpetual darkness that's more than a little depressing. It's little things like a weekly TV show that I rely on to get me through these dark times. And I have to say, Simon Cowell's mockery of the American Losers who try to out-weird each other on idol just doesn't bring me the joy it once did.

Sigh.

I miss Glee.

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Anyone who knows me would be shocked by the title of this post, since I tend to use email frequently, and am a pretty tech-happy person. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like about email - it's convenient, quick and provides a written record of what you've said. Sometimes you can even track if/when someone has read the message you sent. So I have plenty of good things to say about email. But the one thing I don't like about it is the way many people seem to use it as a means of avoiding the need to interact with the person on the other end.

Example - I was dumped through an email this weekend. Yes true it was not a serious relationship (far from it in fact) and we'd only had a couple dates, but I'm sorry after a couple months of dates and chatting I think I deserved more than an email from him. He had a perfectly valid reason - turns out the love of his life ex-girlfriend wants to give him another chance - but I think it was really cowardly of him to email me. He took the easy, non-confrontational way out, because he got to say everything he needed to say without having to deal with the difficulty of my reaction. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have had a meltdown :) but he didn't have to deal with knowing he hurt me. Because being rejected hurts, no matter how long or short a time you've known someone, or how much their reason has "nothing to do with you", or how many times they tell you you're "an amazing person who will find someone who deserves you". I know it can be hard to deal with hurting someone - nobody likes to know they made someone else feel bad. But making someone feel even worse so you don't have to deal with feeling badly at all, well that sucks.

Oh well, one down, a million more to go. There has to be somebody out there willing to put up with my crap :)

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Okay so I'm a thief; I have stolen the term "intentions" from a colleague who has in turn stolen it from somewhere else. But since I always fail at maintaining my resolutions and am then overcome by the accompanying shame and guilt, I decided this year to try out some New Year's intentions, and see how well they go. So here they are, in no particular order:

1. No more sports suspensions - I almost made it through a full year without one, but blew 11 months of problem-free sports events in December by engaging in a small altercation with another player in a hockey game. So this year I intend to make it 12 months without issue. We'll see how it goes.

2. Less procrastination - I can remember being 8 years old and trying to write my speech for my grade three class the night before I had to present it. I remember at that time thinking, "I will never leave anything to last minute again." 25 years later and I am as big a procrastinator as I was then. But this year that all changes. I will stay on top of deadlines, will finish marking essays in less than a month and won't spend more time on Facebook than work.

3. Stop over thinking - Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I think I have sabotaged many a potential relationship by worrying too much about what might or could happen, instead of just being happy in the now and letting what happens happen. I've actually already failed at this once this new year, but since I hadn't actually put this list in writing I won't count it as a failure yet.

4. Start eating healthy - this one will go a lot better if I include doing grocery shopping on my list as well. I know it's not going to happen, but I figure I'll add it to the list for the hell of it.

5. Be better organized financially - This is probably the most important one, and one I really need to work on. I have to start looking at my finances and keeping track of where my money is going.

I could go on and on and on, but we'll stick with 5 for this year, and see how they go. But at least this year I won't feel bad when I break them all :)

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